It's My Life Blog

Here I am. Sitting here with a smile on my face, my a monster screaming to get out in my head. I paused my life on Facebook and Instagram, but, how much good will that do? I'm 47 and facing the possibility of death. Why? At least I beat my mom's age before she passed. I still think of those from my past, those I have relationships with. Alice, Shannon, Yolanda, Tricia, Jennifer, Leah.. these are the mains. Wish I could relive them days. But I gotta come to the reality that I cannot, nor ever, can go back to them days.  My head is all jumbled up. I can't tell Mandi everything, as I am afraid it'd kill her. And I love her too much...

I was diagnosed with cancer a few years back. Ever since, I have had one thing I'm worried about. Being forgotten.. I have no kids, no close family here. No real close friends here either. If I were to die tomorrow, my wife would mourn me until she found another person, but I would be forgotten. That is my greatest fear. I don't fear death per say, I fear the aftermath. What about friends I have known forever, will they remember me? What about past relationships? Does my first love ever think about me, or am I just a very distant past. Does my ex wife ever think about me, or am I just a nightmare she has forgotten? All in all, would I be forgotten?

I was born on July 24, 1977 in Phoenix, Arizona. My earliest memory was riding a blue power wheel Indy Car. I loved that thing. It was pretty awesome. I also remember telling my parents, when I was about 5 or 6 that I was scared that they would die. I was pretty upset about this. My mom reassured me that they'll be around for a very long time. I always hated school. In first grade my mom had to drag me to class because I hated it so much. I was never as smart as the kids, and more importantly, as my brother. I met my childhood best friend around first grade. Robert McKenzie. Him and I were inseparable. If one of us got in trouble, the other was there with them. He and I grew apart later in life. He would go on to join the Navy and then become a preacher. As of this post, I haven't seen him in over a decade. But that's a different story. Another childhood best friend was Damioun. He lived in the house behind ours. He was a great guy. I miss him. It's been 25 years or mor...

When I was 15 I met this extremely beautiful girl. She was half Hispanic and half white. She had beautiful jet black hair, dark eyes. Alicia was her name, and damn how beautiful she was. Ever Saturday, we would meet at Paradise Valley Mall where amongst other things, heavy making out took place. We would give each other hickeys. We would go to the movies just to make out.  She was from Scottsdale and I was from South Phoenix which totally caused issues with her dad. He once told her that I would be dead y the time I turned 20. That was the attitude I got from rich snobs cause I was from a "poor family from the wrong side of the track".  God she was beautiful. I daydream of her and the times we had together.I have recently been going through small bouts of depression, thinking of high school years. Even though I had many girlfriends, Alicia and Shannon are the two I always go back to. I remember the first time I told Alicia that I loved her. We were at Castle & Coasters an...

I woke early on a Sunday morning. The temperature outside was a perfect running weather temperature. My arm band came in the Friday before, you know the ones to hold MP3 players or phones. (Sorry, no I-Stuff here) I put on my long shorts, a sleeveless running shirt, tied my shoes up. I plugged the headphones into my phone, slide the phone into the arm band, and strapped it to my pale arm. Three first where happen this day, the day before Halloween. First first, I was about to go out side in shorts. Has not happened since the great summer of '88, but today, 23 years later, it was gonna happen. Second first, sleeveless shirt. Or as Ned Flanders called them, "Wife Appreciation Shirt". Again, since about '88 since I went out in public like this. The third first, about 15 years since my last run. I turned on my running app and off I went. It wanted me to do a brisk walk for five minutes. After the computer generated lady was talking, the first song from my play list came...

The Start Hi, I am  John and welcome to my little web-spot. I decided to start this blog after year of a unhealthy life style, to document my transformation into a new body. A little about myself: I am from the devils armpit (during the summer anyways) known as Phoenix. I have seen enough scorpions hanging out above my bed to last someone 12 lifetimes. I love guns, I am a liberal, married to a wonderful lady, have two very beautiful nieces living with us. I am 34 years old, feel 60 most times and for the last 15 years, the most activity I have gotten is either raising a beer to my mouth or a burger. My family is prone to some bad diseased, from heart problems to diabetes, to strokes. So, the path I have chosen probably is not the best one to be on. I know my cholesterol is very high, I'm 50 pounds over weight (according to the BMI which I do not truly believe) have high blood pressure. I use to play soccer and run track, but now and days, that is nothing more than another life. ...